Goodbye Jaumell

Today is Jaumell's 2nd birthday, and for his birthday he gets to return to his mom and grandma. We found out a few weeks ago that Jaumell would be returning to his birth family, and he spent the Thanksgiving weekend with his mom. We expected that once the weekend was over, he would be returning to her fairly quickly, but I don't think either of us expected it to be so soon.

So yesterday, Child Services called us to let us know that Jaumell would be going home on Tuesday evening. Ryan and I threw together a birthday party for Jaumell last night, to give him the gifts we'd already bought and to send him off with happy memories. Jaumell's surrogate uncles, Brad and Scott, his aunt Kelly and of course Grandma Nolan all came down to celebrate the big 2 with Jaumell. Jaumell enjoyed the festivities, seemingly oblivious to the pending change coming to his life. The festivities were a bit tempered for Ryan and I as we knew this was not just a celebration of Jaumell's life, but also a goodbye.

As the night wore on, Jaumell grew tired and the sugar wore off. When it came time to say goodnight, he went to each of his extended family and gave them each a hug before bedtime. Cue the tears.

Everyone has always said to us, "How can you do it?" or "Won't it be difficult to give him back?" and we've always replied, "Yes, but we're prepared", "We've known this was going to happen" or "This has always been a possibility". Let me say, as much as we expected this, it doesn't help quell the emotions that now ebb within both Ryan and I every time we think of a life without Jaumell.

But we are happy for Jaumell and his mom. She has shown enormous love and concern for him and we know that she will care for him to the best of her ability. She's shed her share of tears over the past year and now it's her turn to build the happy memories with her son. We wish them both a very happy life together.

And as this door closes, others are already opening. Child Services has already asked us to take in a 5 year old boy or a pair of brothers (2 and 4). While these may not be the best matches for us, it's comforting to know that there are possibilities already presenting themselves. So we look to the future with an eye toward future children and warm thoughts of the time we spent with Jaumell.

We love you Jaumell.

I can feel my hate swelling inside you

He's not yours

When we took on our first foster child, we were constantly told to keep in mind that this child is not ours. Of course, that's not realistic when you pour your heart into caring for someone. When you take a child into your home, no amount of reminding yourself that "he's not yours" will keep you from loving and caring for him as though he WERE your own.

So on days like today, when we're reminded about mom and the reality of the situation, it's a bit heart wrenching. To be honest, I get depressed thinking about it. And the more he's in our home, the more I fall in love and the deeper the depression I feel at the prospect of losing him. Being extremely logical, I try to plot out how things will go and convince myself that ultimately there's no way he could be taken away. That a judge will surely see he has a better life, and that his birth family isn't equipped to protect him. But logic often gives way to emotion. And the reality of the situation is that the family could get their act together and satisfy the judge at any moment. At which point, he'd no longer be ours...which he wasn't to begin with...

It's a roller coaster. And as a friend of mine once said, roller coasters aren't always that much fun.

Week One

So we've had our new 18 month old boy for a week now. Last week Ryan and I both took off from work to spend time with him and bond. At first, it felt like we would be exhausted every day - but as the week progressed, we got better at what we were doing and we developed a sound routine that seems to have worked well.

I will avoid some of the specifics of our foster child in my blog since there is still a chance he will return to his birth family. But what I can tell you is that he's absolutely adorable, kind and intelligent. He loves to play with the pets and especially loves to discipline the puppies when they're barking ("Dog, no, no no"). The little guy LOVES to run - we took him to the park and he skipped over the slide, swings and other playground equipment just so he could run. He's not big into veggies, but loves milk and meat. I think his favorite food at the moment is either applesauce or chicken nuggets.

When I first met Ryan, one of the things that I immediately fell in love with was his smile. Our foster child has the same infectious smile. And every time we see it, our hearts melt. He loves to give hugs and is a very cuddly little boy.

It's hard to hope that a child not return to his birth family. And I don't think Ryan and I really have that desire. What we do want, is for him to have a safe and happy home to grow up in. If it's decided that his birth family can provide that, we will be sad to see him go but offer as much support to them as possible. If it's decided he should remain with us, we will do our best to provide him with a safe, loving environment in which to grow.

Initially, I was afraid I would regret giving up my free time to raising a child. No more video games, no more TV, no more nights out on the town. Having spent a week with him, however, I can say with complete certainty that I don't miss those things and that I only look forward to the time I get to spend with him.

That Fateful Day

Last night I got a call from an Arapahoe county social worker. She was letting us know that our lives, as we know them, are over. Very soon we will welcome a baby boy into our home, for a week, a month or a lifetime.

That's right, we have our first foster child coming into our home. The transition from his current foster home to ours will be slow. We get to meet him on Sunday, then his birth parents after that, then he will come visit our home and finally he'll move in to stay with us.

The legal risk (meaning the potential he will return to his birth family) is high, so we go into this knowing that as much as we will love him, we may eventually have to give him back.

We'll see if that does much to quash our enthusiasm. So far, it hasn't done much. :-) Our house was all phone calls last night, and talk of cribs and car seats.

Yes, our lives are changing, but the solid relationship we've built will be the bedrock that we build our new lives on.